The Scoop on Poop

Words evolve. And as they are used, there is greater need for clarification and further discrimination between this and that, between wheat and chaff. Listed alphabetically, not in order of preference or frequency, the following phrases have been in circulation for some time and define virtually the same activity:

• 

  Clear the traffic jam on the Hershey Highway
• Download some brownware
• Drop anchor, a bomb, a deuce, or a load
• Drop the kids off at the pool
• Grunt a growler
• Launch a torpedo
• Lay some cable, bricks, or logs
• Make a deposit at the porcelain bank
• Make a stinky
• Pinch a loaf
• Salute the throne
• Take a dump or a load off your mind
• Test the plumping
• Sjvsdtta en barkbet (Sweden)
• Squeeze one out, a coily, or the cheese

The list above is hardly comprehensive. The substitutions for the verb are myriad, the direct objects countless, making combinations and variations exponential. Perhaps the size of the direct object (e.g., log, torpedo) may be indicative of the quantity of the bowel movement. For brevity’s sake, I shall forego a qualitative analysis at this time.

One morning, during a recent discussion with my wife, and explored and expounded upon over cocktails with friends later that same day, I posited the need for an ordinal term or phrase that signified the number of shits taken in a day – because after all, people are counting.

1. Dump – the first shit of the day. The shit you take when you first wake up; or, the shit that wakes you up.
2. Deuce – the second shit of the day, usually taken after coffee.
3. Tribble – the third shit of the day, usually taken immediately after arriving at work. Most enjoyed while on the clock, while reading a newspaper paper, Sports Illustrated, or emails on your Blackberry.
4. Squatro – the fourth shit of the day. Taken just before lunch in order to make room for the combo deal at Quinzos, a carnitas burrito with cheese and guacamole at Chipotle, or the all-you-can-eat at the Indian buffet.
5. Quince – the fifth shit of the day. Taken late in the afternoon, before you take the metro home, ride your bike, or begin your two-hour commute through Malfunction Junction, hoping there’s no overturned 18-wheeler again. May be taken at home if you had a salad or a Smoothie for lunch.

Sure, the numbers could go higher, to infinity as I hear numbers (real ones at least) are alleged to do. But if you are taking more than five shits a day, make that if you “drop more than a quince” a day, you need to seek medical help immediately.

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